Could you tone it down, while I'm still in the room?

Sure have been doing an awful lot of song writing lately. And even putting music to them. Gooood shit.

I spend my days with FML; Greg, Bryan, and Jess. I love them, so much, and I can't remember a time they weren't all there for me when I needed them, and even when I didn't. It's been good times, guys, and I will never forget.

I spend my nights with CVSK, JeffSK and Skafredo. Ah, life's good. Smoking in my backyard, playing guitar and writing hilarious, rude, satirical songs about anything we damn well please. Thank you, for letting me sleep with a smile, and thank you JeffSK for holding me just right, just when I needed it most. I love you guys!

Sir Halloween... I don't know anymore. I want you in my life, because I find myself drawn to people I feel like I can fix, even if indirectly. I've showed you God, and I couldn't believe it myself, but He has made such a difference already. But I couldn't believe the way you talked to me, I couldn't believe how relentless you were. You've always been kind of an ass, but it was that humor that I loved... but you just wouldn't let it go, and even the guys pointed it out... what happened to you? You used to at least pretend you gave two shits about me and anything i did with my life... now it's useless. You've got her, you've got someone new, and I don't mind it. In fact, I'm so, so glad that she makes you smile and keeps you on your toes. Too bad nothing can stop you from flirting with your aussie girls on the other side of the globe, just so you can have something else. Can you live your life without secrets? You aren't as complicated as you think. Can you live without secrets?

"I must be an idiot, cause you're a liar and a hypocrite but, just tell me you're sorry. Cause I'm willing to accept this lame apology if you'd just give me something to believe. Just give me something to believe."

I was honestly surprised you could make me cry like that. It hurt more than it should have, because I've made you more important than you should be, but that isn't something I could prevent.... why did you let go, and what did i do to you that you talked to me like that? Things were going fine, just in time, just in time they were falling in line.

And it's like you don't even mind that I am trying so hard to leave you behind me. It's like you don't even mind. Time to bail, while my head is held high.

Stand for me; I stand against you.

Where do you stand
When this barstool on my ass
Won't stand on it's own four legs,
Or me on my own two.

I stole this pen from the cheap hotel we spent our nights in
Remembering that time you stole the soaps,
Then threw a fit when they charged us for them.

We have to keep running
Something's gotta give
I just loved you, because it's automatic
Who knew that catchy slogan would come back to bite

Where can I stand
When my beloved barstool won't stand on four legs
We sat at the front booth instead tonight
Drinking Johnnie Walker Red,
And singing songs about hotels
And the way my hand soap smells

Something's gotta give
I loved you because it's automatic
We loved automatic
And it's come back to bite the big one;
Love bit the hand that fed,
We'll keep running until something gives
Until someone gives it up to you

Let's Make This Life A Living Hell.

Getting back into the show life feels damn good.

So much adrenaline, making sure you aren't going to get a body thrown into you anytime soon, while trying to enjoy the music... it's not as hard as you'd think, honest.

I'll be posting a review of the show I saw Saturday night: Big D and the Kids Table, Sonic Boom Six, Atom Age, and a few other bands, it was amazing.

Getting out like that, going out at night to dance all night, listen to good music, smoke freely and make new friends... it's what my life is all about, and I don't mind it at all. Because it doesn't matter who I am or what I've been through or where I live, we're all there for the music. To dance and jump and circle pit and mosh and crowd surf. We go home at the end of the night, ears ringing and muscles sore, every second of it was worth it.

Because for those few hours, I could have been anyone I wanted. Knowing that I was just me and no one seemed to mind, knowing that I was just me and no one took the time to judge, that kept me smiling as I slipped into a much needed sleep.

It's all for the music. Life is all for the music.

Be sure to make your own soundtrack, don't let anyone build it for you. Your life, your song. Whether they be desert beats, beach tunes, or city tracks, you live your life, and sing it all the way.

Curtain Call

I only like Weezer, and soft rock indie core
Against you and your distortion,
I guess my life's a bore.
We danced around stage before
I pulled you behind the scenes for a little more

We were more than we could handle and we knew it from the start
You'd never broken anything
But I broke your brand new heart

I waited around, like you asked me too.
But you know that I'm impatient
And I showed up way too soon
We slipped behind the scenes for a little more
You pushed me out on stage,
Just like you had before
I never had enough, but you always asked for more

We were more than we could handle and we knew it from the start
You'd never broken anything
But I broke your brand new heart

I was only little but you taught me how to swing
And because you were so nice to me
I broke your brand new heart
Because you asked so nicely
More than we could handle, and we knew it from the start.

**This is the first song i've written that I've ever put music too. go me :)

Medications, Salutations, and Sir Halloween.

Definitely not taking my seizure meds for the next few days, with the stress and weird sleeping and eating patterns lately, I can feel my brain barely holding on and I'm really just tired of it. Hopefully my brain will reset itself soon.

Spent the weekend on base with my brother, his wife, and the parents. I was so pumped, too bad it sucked. I love my big brother, and I've always looked up to him, but it would have been way better had he let out one shred of support for anything that I am trying to accomplish. He didn't even ask me about anything... all I heard all weekend was how shitty my hair looked blonde and how dumb it looks short (even though I'm growing it out and it's almost to my shoulders) and how fucking stupid my sunglasses are. Those are basically direct quotes. Thanks for your support, it's not like I prayed for you every day and emailed you several times and never got one reply for the whole 7 months you were gone and out of contact. And when I finally saw you, you literally walked away from me. Love you too, prick.

I fear I've lost Sir Halloween, heard some awful things and confronted him, only to still be unsure. Am I wrong? He's denying everything but... something is there. Brimming just under the surface, and he is fighting so, so hard to keep it down and I wish I knew.

Sir Halloween, come back and open up like you used to. I don't know what I did to stir up such intense turmoil in your life, but could you maybe be a little less depressing, and maybe smile a bit more? Seems I'm the cause to all your problems and I wish that just once I could understand why.

I can't read minds anymore; now I just feel like one big outstretched hand waiting for answers to everyone's thoughts and actions... I'll make my own answers, I suppose, what other choice do I really have?

Sir Halloween, don't leave. I'm sorry. I was there for you, counted on you to be there for me, and when you weren't I assumed the worst and honestly it looked to me like you showed me the worst. I don't know what happened. I have no idea. And I don't know if I ever will. I can only hope and pray things will come back around. Know that I will pray for you.



I can't remember the last time I heard more unspoken words in such a small space.
"Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew."

Reconciliation: Day 8,675,241.

I'm on base in Lancaster, CA today, seeing my brother for the first time since April 5th. It feels amazing, especially with all the nonsense you've been reading about going on in my life lately. Kirra cologne still smells the same way it did when I was 15.

I've fixed things up with Mr. Valentine. Things are... still rough, but so much easier than they were. Here's to God, and reading Matthew 5 until it screamed at me that even though I may not have been completely wrong, or wrong at all, I needed to be the one to step up and apologize first. Worked like magic! I sent over some Relient K lyrics and out came the confessions.

Popsicle Patty... ooh I've still got it in for that girl. But I'm trying. Finally came out with it that I can not be her friend under any circumstance... So this is me, not getting into a fist fight, not ruining what little bridge there may be left with all those friends I had, whether or not they end up back in my life as strong as they did before is a whole other entry. I stepped up, and I apologized, and there is nothing more I can do.

But I still have plenty to learn, this is not easy to overcome.
"I so hate consequences, running from you is what my best defense is. I hate these consequences, 'cause I know that I let you down, and I don't want to deal with that...

...When I got tired of running from you, I stopped right there to catch my breath. Your words they caught my ear, you said, "I miss you son, come home." And my sins they watched me leave, and in my heart I so believe, the love you felt for me was mine, the love I'd wished for all this time. And when the doors were closed, I heard no I told you so's. Except the words I knew you knew, God oh God I needed you."

I have plenty to learn, but this is reconciliation, Day 8,675,241. Yyyup.

Next step? Seriously consider quitting smoking.

Substitutiary Locomotion.

I can't seem to make myself give up.
I'm listening to all the songs that make me think of you. Because no matter how strong I am, no matter how many times I tell the dependants that "He's just a boy. And bottom line is, there's nothing he can do for you that you can't do for yourself," Sometimes, I find myself just as weak as them.

I picked myself up, and did what I could. I had my own Sir Halloween, but these days he's a local Wal-Mart version of my Summer Boy, who I can never let out of my life. Oh Mister Valentine, I wish I hate what you did to me, but I know I did it myself, and I know damn well that it has saved me from rock bottom, I was moving fast and I'm glad to be out, and you needed to be out from under me.

I am strong. Sir Halloween, you're a damn good time.
But I'm 18 with a bullet, and more than you can handle.
"Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not."

You don't know me like you think you do, I'm so much more. I write these things about you and paint darling little pictures in your anxiety-ridden head; I'm dancing circles around you, just to see if you can keep up. Guess not.

For all of you. For every accommodating, basic, calm, daring, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xenial, young and zippered kid. Be strong. Learn to DGAF, harder than ever. Because it doesn't matter, and it really never has. Write your own stories about your own life for you to read, and don't let anyone else edit the pages for you. Roll your own joint and open your own drink, but always let them light your cigarette.

Live life, according to your plan.
Don't have one? It's alright, me neither.
Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out; I wish I knew.

No matter how alone you think you are, you'll have a Mister Valentine. You'll have your own Sir Halloween, and you'll fight your own Popsicle Patty. We're all going through it too. If they don't want to stay in your life, or they can't handle you, that is most definitely their own fault, and you can absolutely do everything you already do without them.

Stand for you. Not for anyone.
You are always stronger than you think you are, better than you give yourself credit for.

Learn to DGAF harder than ever.
You've got this on lock,
And I will do my best to never let you down.

You're beautiful. You're just the right height to stand in front of me at shows, you're just thin enough that I can feel your ribcage rise and fall with every breath you take when we fall asleep together.

But I'm coming for you, Popsicle Patty. You are so broken. I'm done listening to you praise all of these deceiving people around you for everything they've ever done for you, just to listen to you blow them all off the next day. Popsicle Patty, stop crying, please.

On second thought, "cry me a fucking river, bitch." I held you as you shook and your face turned to salt and your heart turned to stone. And now you're holding onto me as I'm walking away. Popsicle Patty, Triple Threat Tommy sure did a number on you.

I don't know when you started snowballing downhill so fast but I am only one man and am fresh out of helicopters and ambulances, I can't handle any more life flights or tracheotomies, but I'm sure Triple Threat Tommy would be glad to clean your throat with the nearest bottle of vodka and shove a ball point pen into your throat to keep you on life support, if only so he can watch you die again.

You stayed awake through summer like you owned the heat and we stayed up together like we owned each other when we knew the truth. Just like you asked, we pretend we're amazing, instead of what we both know.

You stirred the pot, didn't you Popsicle Patty? You riled everyone up and got every one heated after I left my Mister Valentine. Mister Valentine really didn't mind, oh but you did. You saw the opportunity to collapes and fell right back onto your knees, didn't you Popsicle Patty? Not that I was honestly surprised. You knew how to hurt and you went right for the throat. I'm impressed with your speed, you flew like a bat out of hell. You stripped what faith they had in me within a week, you manipulated, twisted, and joined in with the crowd, just like always.

I fell victim to Popsicle Patty. Maybe I should get tested.

You don't own shit.
Don't you forget about your Mr Halloween.

You. Are so. Broken.