Definitely not taking my seizure meds for the next few days, with the stress and weird sleeping and eating patterns lately, I can feel my brain barely holding on and I'm really just tired of it. Hopefully my brain will reset itself soon.
Spent the weekend on base with my brother, his wife, and the parents. I was so pumped, too bad it sucked. I love my big brother, and I've always looked up to him, but it would have been way better had he let out one shred of support for anything that I am trying to accomplish. He didn't even ask me about anything... all I heard all weekend was how shitty my hair looked blonde and how dumb it looks short (even though I'm growing it out and it's almost to my shoulders) and how fucking stupid my sunglasses are. Those are basically direct quotes. Thanks for your support, it's not like I prayed for you every day and emailed you several times and never got one reply for the whole 7 months you were gone and out of contact. And when I finally saw you, you literally walked away from me. Love you too, prick.
I fear I've lost Sir Halloween, heard some awful things and confronted him, only to still be unsure. Am I wrong? He's denying everything but... something is there. Brimming just under the surface, and he is fighting so, so hard to keep it down and I wish I knew.
Sir Halloween, come back and open up like you used to. I don't know what I did to stir up such intense turmoil in your life, but could you maybe be a little less depressing, and maybe smile a bit more? Seems I'm the cause to all your problems and I wish that just once I could understand why.
I can't read minds anymore; now I just feel like one big outstretched hand waiting for answers to everyone's thoughts and actions... I'll make my own answers, I suppose, what other choice do I really have?
Sir Halloween, don't leave. I'm sorry. I was there for you, counted on you to be there for me, and when you weren't I assumed the worst and honestly it looked to me like you showed me the worst. I don't know what happened. I have no idea. And I don't know if I ever will. I can only hope and pray things will come back around. Know that I will pray for you.
I can't remember the last time I heard more unspoken words in such a small space.
"Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew."
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