SHIT. NOTHING MAKES SENSE.
so i won't think about it; i'll go with the ignorance.
Alright, so maybe i was a little harsh.
Wait, no, i wasn't. the last post was written in a mood that appears just as angry as i was. the whole bestfriend situation is real life shitty. but it's not really my problem, is it? guess not. i'll manage. i'm definitely staying way the hell out of that situation. if she wants to let that girl ruin her life even more now than she has been the last three years, whatthefuckever,right? RIGHT.
So my brother quite literally JUST called the office. I sit front desk. When the phone rings, I answer it.
"Residential Group, this is Ashley, how can I help you?"
"Hey little. Lemme talk to mom or dad."
"Umm alright. Hold on."
"Oh hey Mom, I'm moving to Washington."
REALLY?! It's not like you had to go through me to get to her, you couldn't have told me? Oh wait I forgot, you must still be into that whole treat-my-little-sister-like-shit thing. well fuck you too.
I don't need people snapping at me, even if they are ranting. We'd had a perfectly fantastic evening, I get home and THAT's the kind of text I get? Don't fucking snap at me. Especially not over something your mom did to upset you. I've got enough people in my life who are all too prone to that flash anger bullshit. I don't need it from you too.
But I am glad we talked that out and are now on the same page. Still.
Best of all: I'm entirely unprepared for school. I am so unbelievably grateful for the support of my friends and family, really, you guys have been incredible and I couldn't ask for a better support system. I love you guys.
But still, I'm terrified. But it's life, and I've got to move on and keep pushing and keep breathing and keep loving.
[Stay Positive.]
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Futile.
I'm tempted to run through the halls, screaming "THANKS FOR NOTHING."
Really? REALLY?! You're my best friend, and i'm yours. I gave you my two cents every single time you fucking asked me and i was never afraid to tell you what i was going through or what i thought about what you were going through.
and i honestly thought that you would be kind enough to let me know when you made a decision.
and i thought you did. because you asked for two weeks from popsicle patty, and she couldn't even give you that. not only could she not give you that, but she DATED someone else. completely got into a relationship. it didn't last, but that is so far from the point. SHE COULDN'T GIVE YOU TWO WEEKS TO BE YOURS. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK SHE'LL LAST MONTHS WITHOUT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
But it doesn't fucking matter, because you're going to count on her. Regardless of the fact that she's cheated on and lied to EVERY person she's been in a relationship with over the last THREE YEARS, you're still going to count on her.
You're my best friend. I'm going to have to be supportive or some shit. But not of this relationship. Not of any of this. I don't even want to be around you right now let alone even discuss how much i hope that this is some kind of sick, twisted, fucking joke.
GO CHOKE ON YOUR IRONY.
Really? REALLY?! You're my best friend, and i'm yours. I gave you my two cents every single time you fucking asked me and i was never afraid to tell you what i was going through or what i thought about what you were going through.
and i honestly thought that you would be kind enough to let me know when you made a decision.
and i thought you did. because you asked for two weeks from popsicle patty, and she couldn't even give you that. not only could she not give you that, but she DATED someone else. completely got into a relationship. it didn't last, but that is so far from the point. SHE COULDN'T GIVE YOU TWO WEEKS TO BE YOURS. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK SHE'LL LAST MONTHS WITHOUT SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
But it doesn't fucking matter, because you're going to count on her. Regardless of the fact that she's cheated on and lied to EVERY person she's been in a relationship with over the last THREE YEARS, you're still going to count on her.
You're my best friend. I'm going to have to be supportive or some shit. But not of this relationship. Not of any of this. I don't even want to be around you right now let alone even discuss how much i hope that this is some kind of sick, twisted, fucking joke.
GO CHOKE ON YOUR IRONY.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
This is the way I live.
I'm feeling.. a little selfish today, and it's odd. I'm not a fan. What's even more odd is that my horoscope recommends I take a little time for myself today because people might not be such a great idea. I've never been one for taking astrology to heart, but maybe I'll consider it. Hmm. Just have to make sure I don't take anything out on anyone else, especially that Superman. This is a strange, shitty feeling. I'll get over it. With the emotional range of a teaspoon and a two second rebound rate, how could I not? Haha:)
I continue to run into the nicest people lately, something sparked by reuniting with old friends and making acquaintances into real friendships. It's good:) As usual, FML is growing and excellent, I know there's nothing I can't do or say when I'm with them. With the ever lovely Sabrinasaurus back in my life (I'm honestly not sure why we separated in the first place, honestly), I have a consistent reality check and a constant reminder to "Stay Positive," even though things get really shitty sometimes, because there's always someone holding me up. I'm a big fan of yours, girrrl:)
As per usual, TBJeff is an amazing friend and I honestly am unsure where I'd be without him. He's picked me up off the floor so many times no matter what I did to get myself there, and is entirely fearless. You're so strong, and I love you boyyyy:)
VWAdam, the best friend to my boyfriend, is appearing to become one helluva guy. Superbowl Sunday was epic, couldn't've shit talked without you, man. And of course, his girl Daniiii is wonderful! Shy and reserved, but honestly couldn't be nicer. A mutual "friend" (minus the quotes for her life, include them for mine) apparently had some not-so-nice things to say about me, but she dgafs and wants her own opinions :) my favorite kind of person. She's a doll, really.
Other than these people, everyone that's been in my life has remained just as stable as ever, and have understood how much of a mess has been made since Halloween and early November, and have helped me understand what is my fault and what is heresay and most of all, which are the things I shouldn't care about.
PopsiclePatty, I don't hate you. But you are someone I have absolutely ZERO respect for. I feel empty when I'm around you. Not angry, or spiteful, or anything. Just bland. Because I frankly don't care about you. It sucks, cause I used to so much, but in more than one way you've earned this.
SirHalloween.... dgaf. you earned this. gtfo.
NavyBoy: I'm still sorry, and I still can't believe this. But you know what hurts the most? After everything you and I have done, things I've done to help you out and you've done to help me... this only shows that I don't mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I think about you every day, and you'll probably always be considered my best friend, even if you did have to make a choice to keep yourself afloat. Don't get me wrong, I understand what happened and where I went wrong. I miss you. I hate you. But if you don't need me, I guess I don't need you.
I've got people missing, people who are constantly present, and people who are showing up at random. This is life. And this is exactly the way I want to live it. Love it. DGAF.
I continue to run into the nicest people lately, something sparked by reuniting with old friends and making acquaintances into real friendships. It's good:) As usual, FML is growing and excellent, I know there's nothing I can't do or say when I'm with them. With the ever lovely Sabrinasaurus back in my life (I'm honestly not sure why we separated in the first place, honestly), I have a consistent reality check and a constant reminder to "Stay Positive," even though things get really shitty sometimes, because there's always someone holding me up. I'm a big fan of yours, girrrl:)
As per usual, TBJeff is an amazing friend and I honestly am unsure where I'd be without him. He's picked me up off the floor so many times no matter what I did to get myself there, and is entirely fearless. You're so strong, and I love you boyyyy:)
VWAdam, the best friend to my boyfriend, is appearing to become one helluva guy. Superbowl Sunday was epic, couldn't've shit talked without you, man. And of course, his girl Daniiii is wonderful! Shy and reserved, but honestly couldn't be nicer. A mutual "friend" (minus the quotes for her life, include them for mine) apparently had some not-so-nice things to say about me, but she dgafs and wants her own opinions :) my favorite kind of person. She's a doll, really.
Other than these people, everyone that's been in my life has remained just as stable as ever, and have understood how much of a mess has been made since Halloween and early November, and have helped me understand what is my fault and what is heresay and most of all, which are the things I shouldn't care about.
PopsiclePatty, I don't hate you. But you are someone I have absolutely ZERO respect for. I feel empty when I'm around you. Not angry, or spiteful, or anything. Just bland. Because I frankly don't care about you. It sucks, cause I used to so much, but in more than one way you've earned this.
SirHalloween.... dgaf. you earned this. gtfo.
NavyBoy: I'm still sorry, and I still can't believe this. But you know what hurts the most? After everything you and I have done, things I've done to help you out and you've done to help me... this only shows that I don't mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I think about you every day, and you'll probably always be considered my best friend, even if you did have to make a choice to keep yourself afloat. Don't get me wrong, I understand what happened and where I went wrong. I miss you. I hate you. But if you don't need me, I guess I don't need you.
I've got people missing, people who are constantly present, and people who are showing up at random. This is life. And this is exactly the way I want to live it. Love it. DGAF.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
"Letting Go" by My Darling Mayday
One day I'll come up with my own lyrics as good as this to get over things.
This also for a good friend of mine who is going through an ugly break up, hopefully she'll read and know who she is :)
This is me, Letting Go of you. Deal.
How did we ever end up in this place?
You pointed your finger and I took all the blame.
I bought into your lies and I played all your games
You swore you'd get better, but I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.
I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
I would take your word for it, but you tend to lie.
I'm not saying sorry, but I'm saying goodbye
It's harder than I thought to tell you what's on my mind,
You tell me to stay, but I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.
I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
How did we ever end up in this place?
You pointed your finger and I took all the blame
I'd still take your word for it, but you tend to lie.
I'm not saying sorry, but I'm saying goobye.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
This also for a good friend of mine who is going through an ugly break up, hopefully she'll read and know who she is :)
This is me, Letting Go of you. Deal.
How did we ever end up in this place?
You pointed your finger and I took all the blame.
I bought into your lies and I played all your games
You swore you'd get better, but I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.
I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
I would take your word for it, but you tend to lie.
I'm not saying sorry, but I'm saying goodbye
It's harder than I thought to tell you what's on my mind,
You tell me to stay, but I'm letting go of you.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.
I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
How did we ever end up in this place?
You pointed your finger and I took all the blame
I'd still take your word for it, but you tend to lie.
I'm not saying sorry, but I'm saying goobye.
I'm letting go of you, and all you've held on to.I'm letting go of you, let go of me too.
Monday, January 18, 2010
I'm addicted to this song lately; "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" by Brand New.
I am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted
What the other boys all promised
Sorry I told;
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems
Shelter from cold; we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth, then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out?
I wish I knew.
I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose;
Don't have the cure for.
Holdin' onto your grudge, oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
Keepin quiet is hard.
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught.
We're concentrated, on falling apart.
But we're contenders, we're throwin' the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe.
Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-controversial, we are entirely smooth
We admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do.
These are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV
And speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holdin' onto your grudge,
Oh it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go.
We're concentrated, on fallin apart.
We were contenders, we've thrown the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe.
We're concentrated, on fallin apart.
We were contenders, we've thrown the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, in us.
This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend, this is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone,
This is the rise and the fall.
I am heaven sent, don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted
What the other boys all promised
Sorry I told;
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems
Shelter from cold; we are never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth, then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out?
I wish I knew.
I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are
With whoever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose;
Don't have the cure for.
Holdin' onto your grudge, oh it's so hard to have someone to love.
Keepin quiet is hard.
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught.
We're concentrated, on falling apart.
But we're contenders, we're throwin' the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe.
Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-controversial, we are entirely smooth
We admit to the truth, we are the best at what we do.
These are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV
And speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holdin' onto your grudge,
Oh it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go.
We're concentrated, on fallin apart.
We were contenders, we've thrown the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe.
We're concentrated, on fallin apart.
We were contenders, we've thrown the fight.
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, in us.
This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend, this is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone,
This is the rise and the fall.
Carousel.
I'm tired of being spun in circles.
SirHalloween showed up last night, in a new light. Admitted he was wrong, and apologized. So I should forgive him. I should forgive him, and let him back in, and alongside the rest of FML take him under my wing and bring his strength back to where it once was. He's aware that he has plenty to learn, prove, and miles to mature.
But I don't know if I can do it. He hurt me, bad, and as strong as I am and as far as I've come, this isn't a quick bandaid fix like it usually is with me. I don't know where this is going to go, or how long it will take before I don't feel the outright need to bash his face into the nearest door jamb, but I have to try. I have to try. Because of my faith, and my beliefs, I have no right to shut him down and keep him away from my life. I had just started to adjust to the fact that amongst others, I no longer had connection with NavyBoy or SirHalloween. And with my Superman by my side, I could handle that. I find strength in him. But I have to try.
I will try. Learning to be kind. Learning to be selfless. Learning to rid my mind of these hostile tendencies. This is going to be a long process. I've never been one for giving up on anyone, and now more than ever I need to make prominent the crazy, reckless, harmless memories I have of SirHalloween, and hold onto them, instead of the memories of the things he said to me.
SirHalloween showed up last night, in a new light. Admitted he was wrong, and apologized. So I should forgive him. I should forgive him, and let him back in, and alongside the rest of FML take him under my wing and bring his strength back to where it once was. He's aware that he has plenty to learn, prove, and miles to mature.
But I don't know if I can do it. He hurt me, bad, and as strong as I am and as far as I've come, this isn't a quick bandaid fix like it usually is with me. I don't know where this is going to go, or how long it will take before I don't feel the outright need to bash his face into the nearest door jamb, but I have to try. I have to try. Because of my faith, and my beliefs, I have no right to shut him down and keep him away from my life. I had just started to adjust to the fact that amongst others, I no longer had connection with NavyBoy or SirHalloween. And with my Superman by my side, I could handle that. I find strength in him. But I have to try.
I will try. Learning to be kind. Learning to be selfless. Learning to rid my mind of these hostile tendencies. This is going to be a long process. I've never been one for giving up on anyone, and now more than ever I need to make prominent the crazy, reckless, harmless memories I have of SirHalloween, and hold onto them, instead of the memories of the things he said to me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Balloons.
I'm accidentally wearing a screwdriver as a necklace today. Hm.
I don't feel like writing; I've damn near lost all motivation...
...But I feel a bit obligated. My last post almost ruined a relationship that was the best thing that ever happened to my best friend. But instead, I let it ruin my friendship with that person. He had to choose. I made sure he chose her, and I'm not sure why, but I think I'm doing a damn good job of pretending I'm happy with that. I want nothing more than to see everyone I care about happy. And if it takes me, walking straight out of one of the strongest, most reliable friendships I have ever had, then that is what I need to do. He is happy, and she no longer has to worry.
I wish you knew that there was no reason to worry in the first place and I wish that you knew how important he is to me and I wish you knew that he loves you so much and I wish you trusted him and trusted me; I wish so many things but bottom line is that I made a mistake and I'm sorry.
"Time to leave, while my eyes are still dry. It's time to leave while my head is held high. It's time to bolt, time to bail, time to go. Where to? Well I really don't know.
I'm gone, so long, see you soon. Up up and away, like a rising balloon. I'm just stupid enough, to pack up and leave. Taking all that you have trusted, and confided in me."
Blaaahhhhh.
But I'll live, I mean I'm certain that I will make it through this, again.
After all, what's one more person after I've lost so many, right?
I'm learning, trying, doing. For his sake. Their sake.
This is me, walking away from my best friend. As a definitive answer to his problems.
Again; I'm sorry, but I can only hope and pray that things get better for you from here.
I'm staying strong.
I don't feel like writing; I've damn near lost all motivation...
...But I feel a bit obligated. My last post almost ruined a relationship that was the best thing that ever happened to my best friend. But instead, I let it ruin my friendship with that person. He had to choose. I made sure he chose her, and I'm not sure why, but I think I'm doing a damn good job of pretending I'm happy with that. I want nothing more than to see everyone I care about happy. And if it takes me, walking straight out of one of the strongest, most reliable friendships I have ever had, then that is what I need to do. He is happy, and she no longer has to worry.
I wish you knew that there was no reason to worry in the first place and I wish that you knew how important he is to me and I wish you knew that he loves you so much and I wish you trusted him and trusted me; I wish so many things but bottom line is that I made a mistake and I'm sorry.
"Time to leave, while my eyes are still dry. It's time to leave while my head is held high. It's time to bolt, time to bail, time to go. Where to? Well I really don't know.
I'm gone, so long, see you soon. Up up and away, like a rising balloon. I'm just stupid enough, to pack up and leave. Taking all that you have trusted, and confided in me."
Blaaahhhhh.
But I'll live, I mean I'm certain that I will make it through this, again.
After all, what's one more person after I've lost so many, right?
I'm learning, trying, doing. For his sake. Their sake.
This is me, walking away from my best friend. As a definitive answer to his problems.
Again; I'm sorry, but I can only hope and pray that things get better for you from here.
I'm staying strong.
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